A lot of you know, from my FB, Twitter and Gram posts that we recently had to put down our beloved best gal; Munson on the 19th. I have to say that I have been dealing with it better than I assumed. I am pretty vocal about my feelings and getting them out there because I have a low level of depression at all times but significantly higher in the winter months. Seasonal depression is no joke. But I have found ways to help that by just talking about my feelings and getting them out of me as opposed to letting them fester. Dealing with the devastating loss of the love of my life, I've channeled those feelings outward and I didn't care how many posts, how many pictures and how many tear-jerking words I used... I was getting that shit out of me! I can go to a dark place fast but I have learned over the years WHAT WORKS FOR ME. Anyway, our little babe is gone and now I have this whole new schedule that I cannot get used to! You thought I have zero responsibilities before?!? For the first time in 13 years, my husband and I are FINALLY going on vacation for a full week! Last time was our Honeymoon!!!! I am very excited.
The thing that I haven't been doing in the last 2 weeks is working out. Every morning I would get up, most recently would be a 30-45 minute Spin Class but prior to that, I would dance for an hour in my kitchen. Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous but try dancing for 60 straight minutes and see if you don't sweat your ass off... I rest my case. I just don't have the energy to "celebrate" like I have for many years. Munson would lay in the kitchen and watch me dance around and now, it just seems sad to do it. Funny, I didn't have the words to describe how I was feeling about that aspect of her death until right there when I put it on "paper". Dancing is like celebrating. I would celebrate that everyday I woke up, I had a great dog, I had a great job, a hot pot of coffee and a great life! Now I don't feel like doing it. I miss my audience. I will get back there someday.
In 13 years, Tony and I have dealt with our share of heartaches. In 2014, his mom passed away suddenly. It brought us together in a way but not like this. Having to make the decision TOGETHER to do what is best for our dog, really bonded us. I couldn't be in the room with them when they did it. I was about to bite concrete when I realized what was about to happen. "I wasn't coming home with my baby?!?!" I wanted her to remember me and see me not sad or crying. I didn't want to remember her taking her last breath. I am not built for things like that. I still remember seeing my Mother in Law in the hospital and I hate that image! It's been like 20 years since I lost my Nana and I still have dreams of her in a coma. I don't want those thoughts! So Tony stayed with her and for that, he is my absolute HERO! I can never repay him for being so strong and letting me leave to be completely broken alone. He would tell people that he dreaded the day I would have to say goodbye to my friend because we had a special bond. That dog is my life. I miss her terribly. I know my life is forever changed because of her.
Now what? People go out and get another dog in hopes that they mend a broken heart. I can't even picture another dog in my life. I don't think I will love it. I don't think I have a place in my heart for a replacement. I almost feel like I will reject it. Here is some info that many of you know but just to touch on it: I cannot have kids. This is why we don't have them. My puppah was my child. I can't imagine loving another "child" like my own. So stop asking me about kids. ALRIGHT? We are putting our house up for sale 3/1 and when we eventually move, maybe I will get another yellow lab with a fine pink nose to be my next obsession, but until then I am not ready. I've always been impulsive so this NEW ME is very strange.
A co-worker told me yesterday that I have a very tough front but after reading my posts about Munson, she can see just how big of a heart I have. Yep, you got me! I try not to care about things but under that candy coated shell is just a pile of mush. I love big and I love hard. It is an Italian thing and as much as I dislike it, I can't help it. I just LOVE! I hug everyone! I look you dead in the eye when talking to see the soul behind those eyes. This is why when people meet me, they feel an instant connection. I am a contagious crier, I am empathetic and compassionate. Those close to me know that I am a fucking sap. Just look through my Apple Music downloads... it's chock full of love songs. HA! Woe is me. Just know that if you ever thought you have hurt me before and I've claimed otherwise? You have hurt me.
So as I sit in this quiet, empty house right now, on this frigid 47th day of January, I think about the good things. I am so grateful that Munson doesn't have to feel the cold snow on her paws or ice on butt when she has to go bleep bleeps and bloop bloops. I am so happy that I loved her with every fiber of my being for almost 13 years and she never once didn't feel otherwise. She had my lips attached to that snout for her entire life. She slept warm and cuddled. She always had delicious food in her belly, even when I had to hand feed her or chew my food and give it to her just so she would eat. She never went a day alive and in death thinking she wasn't loved. That sentence hurt to type. Lawd!
I love you Munson, so very much.
Your friend,
Jen
Love this
ReplyDelete