When I think back to my 20's, I don't know how to describe my emotions about it. I don't miss it, that's for sure. I made a lot of mistakes in my 20's that I don't necessarily regret, but I kind of do. I didn't even like my 20's. Shit, I don't think I liked my 30's much either. In your 20's you don't know anything. Sorry kids, you don't. In your 30's you make plans for the future; kids, homes, careers. 30's you are tested on life's limits. You lose people and your mind. I do believe at 30 you discover who you are and what you will tolerate in life. That was a break-through in that decade for me, personally. I always had a no nonsense, easy breezy, attitude. I was always told at 40 you just don't care about offending people, about their feelings and you are the most important person in your life. I am here to tell you, it is true. I thought I didn't care before? Pffffft.
I am 41 and proud. This comes with a whole other list of shit to worry about. Health, retirement, exhaustion just to name a few. You think I care if someone doesn't like me? HA! I am trying to buy a summer home in Florida, for Christ sake! I am too busy trying to renovate our house and prepare for retirement than give a rats ass about hurting someones little feelers. If you don't sign my paycheck, then I don't have time to care about what's bothering you. This is the blessing at the 40 mark. Around the 32nd year of my existence, an older gentleman told me "at the end of the day, it's all bullshit anyway" and that resonated with me. What pisses you off this morning, will not matter tonight. What makes you sad tomorrow, won't matter by the time you wake up on Friday. You chose to "get over it". That carried me through my 30's and now into my 40's. The only things that matter to me are: family, friends, work and feeling good. I feed my soul everyday with laughter. The famous Hunter S. Thompson quote about life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely, yada yada yada ... is somewhat true. I just don't want to arrive totally worn out and way too early. After losing a good handful of friends in my 30's, I lived it up. I really took that quote literally and now, I am ok with arriving with meh, maybe a run in my nylons. I don't need to indulge. I'm good for the most part.
I won't be able to share my life stories with kids and grandkids so that kinda bums me out but I will relish in them for years to come. I have a lot of fun. I have loved and lost. I have such delicious stories that when I think about them, my heart smiles. Everything I have done in my past was just so unconventional and ass backwards. Just the way I lost my virginity was ridiculous (sorry ma) but I love it. I love what I have been through because I am who I am in spite of it. I've been cheated on, lied to, made a fool of, I've been fired, I've been kicked out of school, I've been broke and I have had enough jobs that I have lost count. But here I am: successful, married, in love with life and I am A-OK.
I think I felt the need to write this one on the heels of learning of a recent suicide of someone that I knew. We all go through tough times. I think the first half of my marriage was spent in an untreated depression regarding the fact that I am unable to have kids. It was/is a depressing fact but after 13 years of living with that truth, I have learned to count my blessings. I couldn't imagine having to raise a kid in this world. Hearing that I would never have kids, felt like a death sentence. It made me feel like less of a woman. There is a bit of truth I rarely say. Everyone is dealing with something. I am regretful that the last time I saw this guy, I was unforgivably mean, but in my defense he wasn't nice to me, either or ever. But I am sorry. I am sorry that your life was unbearable. I am sorry that your sadness came through in anger. You have always had a chip on your shoulder and now this explains it. I hope you are at peace. I hope you are at home with your parents, finally. You were a handsome guy and I am just sorry that this world was too much for you to take.
So the moral of the story is, 40 is pretty great! I like it. Just waiting patiently for that midlife crisis to kick in and really see where this shit takes me! Oh yea, and be kind. Well, be kind enough but never let someone shit all over you.
Love you all and always!
Your OLD friend,
Jen
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