I am pretty sure "God" didn't get it right when he made me. I put that in quotes to not offend anyone and their religious beliefs. Also, I stopped believing in fairytales around 35 years ago. I've always lived in a NO DRAMA headspace, choose my friends wisely and I never really followed a crowd. I analyze people. This is why guys, I think I can help you in your quest to bag chicks... with the help of one of my, dare I say best friends, Stephanie.
Sometimes you meet a person that can match your soul and have an instant kinship. I have that with Steph. We love Seinfeld, we can say 1 thing to each other and it snowballs into an hour long laugh fest that is usually at the expense of someone else and their unfortunate existence. I don't apologize for being a dick, I just am. We just are. She's easy going, likes to have fun and pretty sure she has zero feelings of sadness and if I ever saw her cry, I'd have to ask "what is this salty discharge?" Seinfeld reference. Steph is really a catch. If she was a guy, I would marry him. She really just goes with the flow and is so fucking funny! She loves tasty treats and matches my excited body shakes when we see our food arriving.
We work in the same industry and I hear so many stories of dating and how these guys act. We can write a damn handbook on how to get laid... I swear! One little thing like: 'Your hair looks great! Did you curl it differently?' or 'Great lip!' seriously ups your odds. Just noticing a shade of lipstick impresses a woman. A compliment goes a long way.
Here's another one: Do not let a woman pay. PERIODT. I dated a guy once and the sight of my wallet made him mad. He was actually offended when I offered to buy a round of drinks. That small gesture went far. It is an old school way of thinking and women like that shit. You hold a door, walk on the street side and pick up the tab.
Don't be cheap. You do not have to be rich. AT ALL. I am pretty uncomfortable around large amounts of money and I am not impressed by your fancy cars and big homes. I like looking at big houses, I still drive around and take in the sights, but I don't need nor do I want that lifestyle. Just don't be cheap. Take some vacations, treat her to a spa day or something, a fancy restaurant or buy her a nice gift just because. Which leads me to the next one...
Thoughtfulness. Oh man, I can tell you, this can lead you to Eden. Being thoughtful is such a sexy trait. You hear her say something about something she saw and liked, go out there and find it. Give it to her when she least expects it. Boom. Welcome to Pound Town, buddy! I know this is a lot to ask, you know? Listening and shit. I get it, I hear women ramble on all damn day and it is insufferable at times but if you cannot talk and listen for a minute, do you really think you should be looking longterm anyway? Or if you see something that reminds you of her, get it. I went through a Spongebob stage and just getting a Spongebob toothbrush meant so much to me. I can't tell you which one of many mistakes bought it for me, but I know someone did and I liked it.
Put some effort into your look. Do not buy a $5000 Gucci suit or some Ferragamo loafers. I mean, if you can afford it please do, but just don't look like you rode in on a 4-wheeler after playing basketball for 16 hours. Double check for stains on your clothes. Get a nice cologne and wash your balls. Get that neckline shaved up and for the love of god, clean your ears, trim your nose hairs and just brush your teeth! I've always been a fan of a guy in casual clothes: hoodies, some loose fitting jeans, a backwards cap. Lord, I do love everything I just described so much that I married it! Ha!
Make the plans. Pick the dinner spot. Book the trip. I am the most indecisive person so when I don't have to think about that stuff, saves me from another gray hair. I cannot remember the last time I had a taste for something. I just want to eat! Not sure what, but sit me down and I will figure it out. Would it not be so sexy if you were booked for a trip, not having a clue where to and your bags were packed???
Now, not everyone can be funny. I wish everyone could be as funny as me. The world would be a perfect place if that were true but it's a gift, just be a conversationalist. I will tell you, I am not. I do not possess the gift of gab. I have friends that can pull a conversation out of a walnut! I envy that but I am also very comfortable in silence. Now, you get on the subject of politics and I won't shut up. Normal everyday chats though? Pass. I hate small talk. Just my own preference but a sense of humor trumps looks all day. If you are funny, I find you to be the most adorable person on two legs. Truly.
Ladies, this goes for you as well. I still have a lot to learn, especially in the thoughtfulness department. After 15 years of being with my husband, I have no idea what to buy this guy! He loves golf and I am sure my gifts of drivers, Garmin Approach, irons and gift cards to the PGA Store are stale as hell but every time I try and dress him, he just fish eyes me and I feel sad. 😂 I did hit a homerun when I got him an appointment to be custom fitted for a custom putter though. He loves that putter and I looooved that steep credit card charge (I'm pretty cheap) but it brings a smile to my face every time he golfs 4 days a week. {sarcasm} no really, I do love his bragging rights when he pulls out that little sweetie.
Maybe I am alone with this but I think we want to be taken care of. Is that not feminist of me? I hope so because I am not one. I need a partner in life. It is a tall order to deal with me and I gotta tell ya, my husband is a SAINT. I have been in a handful of relationships and I think I know a few things... You do learn from your mistakes and I know what I will never tolerate. Like picking up that phone when there is a meal on the table, may put you in the doghouse.
Alright, I may edit this once my homeslice gets back from Panama and we get to talking about what makes her tick. Until then, buon appetito!
Love you all and always!
Your friend(s)
Jen and Steph
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