When you just need a reboot...

 Lately it seems like I cannot do much of anything that brings me any sort of real joy. Anything that used to feed my soul, now barely moves the needle. With the rise of gas prices, food, everything, purchasing a new pair of designer shoes just isn't going to cut it. Even on our last vacation, I wasn't moved by anything other than the beauty of things. 

My hormones are usually the culprit for my lack of motivation but this time, it feels different. I don't feel like me. I have lost myself somewhere and these past few weeks, I have been desperate to find me. I have always had the mentality of "this is my ride and you're either on board or get off" but this ride? I even want off! I can longer take myself in this mindset. It is a gloomy, rainy Monday, June 6th to be exact and I am no longer going to be this person. I declare today a new day! 

I know that a lot of people are feeling similar and it is hard to pull yourself out of it. I know first hand, just how difficult it can be to stand up and fix it. Your first thought is "maybe I should try antidepressants?" because let's face it, we are all feeling depressed. Why is there such a stigma to admit that? I am healthy enough in my mind, to know that I have been in the dumps. Writing has always been a healthy outlet for me, main reason why I started doing this. Why I am doing it right now. If I get it out of my head, it is one less thing to think about and one small step to feeling lighter. 

I have given my time and energy to too many people that clearly do not deserve it. My time is precious. Every second that passes, you can never get back so why do I waste so many on people and shit that have absolutely no real value on my life? I've become consumed by my phone and not enjoying what is going on around me. I know! Me! The person who has vehemently protested against phone use! I have become one of "them". I am distracted by nonsense. I have stopped working out much, loafing around and doing nothing to enrich my life. MY LIFE. No one else's but mine. 

Being a giver and an empath, you are drained easily. I work with the public so that sucks the life out of me, I am married to a taker and it seems like these days, lately everyone is taking from me. Taking bits of my energy and sucking my soul dry! I need to surround myself with healthy relationships, people who lift me up and put up some boundaries. I am done being this person that I barely recognize. 

Covid taught us a few things. One take away for me was how to just be simple. Enjoy the simplicity of things. In the grand scheme of life, half of this shit doesn't matter and nor do the people around you. Listen, if you aren't signing my paychecks, brought me into this world, blood related, or kiss me goodnight, you are nothing to me. And some of those are questionable. I have to believe that, like in the workplace, everyone is replaceable. 

I have gone through a lot of things in my life, that have hardened me and made me who I am today. The person that I have fought hard to become, was made by heartache, loss, unfair realities and plenty of shenanigans. I like who I am. I am truly my biggest fan. I let my guard down though and I have let people in. It was one of the things I tried to do during these weird 2 years. Well, that was a lesson learned. Back up goes those walls. You can't let people in. They take you for granted. It was the slogan for 2020-21 "be kind" nah, no thanks. I've realized when you are too nice, everyone shits on you. I will always be kind to people, but not weak. I became weak and that is my fault. I was consumed by trying to please everyone all the while, I let myself go. 

So, as of June 6th 2022, I am back. I no longer need anyone. If this seems cold, so be it. But this is my ride, you on board?

XOXO

The new/old me 

In a time of desperation, we find PASSION

So it has been a while since I have sat down and written anything. Not that I haven't been sitting down, because I have since March, basically. I did return to work for 2 months and part time, only to have my legs kicked out and back to furlough I went. It has been a rough year for us. All of us.  But, it is out of our control and like the title suggests, in a time of desperation, we find passion.

What's your passion? It is a question I have asked myself for years. Where do you find your passion? Not many people can wake up every day and do what they love. Truly love and enjoy doing. I love my job. I really do!  I love doing makeup. But is it my passion? I would say it is something I am passionate about. I am a social butterfly, I love meeting new people and building relationships with others. But during 2020, I realized that I am passionate about helping people. Being a voice for them; supporting them. I did a fundraiser for the Chicago Police and raised a little over $8000 to send pizzas to every department. All 25 and then some. I felt fulfilled after. I knew this was something I wanted to explore further. I felt like I was a part of something meaningful and I liked it. I made a difference.

Passion comes in many forms. I believe you can have it all. I am a hopeless romantic and I have to say, my dreamer, gypsy soul, is one of my favorite qualities. Sometimes it comes at inopportune moments but you have to make a decision to chase your dreams or let them die. Passion at home, work, life... sometimes you will hurt people. You will let them down. When do we stop living for everyone else and start living for ourselves?! You gotta take inventory and see what it is you're missing.

Being home I have racked my brain about what I would do if I had to change direction in my life. I have been doing the same thing for so long, that I don't even know what qualifications would serve me besides sales. I can sell. But looking at the back 9 in life, do I want to spend it selling some shit like car insurance that I don't even care about?!? Like in the grand scheme of things, some useless trash that I feel is pointless. Doesn't drive me. 

I see people with their big homes and fancy cars. I don't want any of that. I would rather be rich in life than with money. I have a good life already and we are by no means wealthy. Comfortable? For sure. We never go without. But where is the passion?!? I hate mundane. I am never sitting still, even right now as I type, my legs are bouncing like a crazy person. I am energetic and always looking for ways to LIVE. I live this life... we are only given one and I prefer to make the most of it every single day that I am gifted! I can't sit on a couch, watching TV or scrolling social media. That isn't living and I see it over and over and over again with so many people! I digress. 

Now, this leads me to the present day. Over these past few months, I have cooked just about every single day. I love to cook. I am hardly burdened by slaving over a hot stove. I find so much joy in feeding people that a lightbulb went on. This is what I should be doing! I should be feeding people! I have so much love to give and it comes out in my food. I'm no slouch either. I will cook up anything from a few ingredients laying around. It comes naturally to me. I am a daredevil but when it comes to gambling on a future, I am a chicken shit. I would never open a restaurant because there is no work/life balance. I am way too popular and fun to ignore my social time. I got it!  A food truck!  Low overhead, mainly work the lunch crowd, some sporting events and whatever. Is it painstaking work? Absolutely but it is rewarding. I would finally be sharing my passion!  I would be able to do free events to help feed people who need it. I am such a softie I can see this being a problem but I would have to keep myself in line. This is something I am going to research and hammer out the costs. I have been given an opportunity to really sit down and dig deep into my soul. This feeds my soul. 

Who knows what the future holds but I am excited. Something big is happening, I can feel it. I am going to take this energy and run with it. Like my favorite Bob Seger song says "I'll take my chances babe, I'll risk it all" 

This might be a boring to read but I like it. 

Jouir!

Jen 

 

Covid-19 DO NOT COME AT ME WITH YOUR 'TRUTH'

I know it, we are all feeling it. But what exactly are we feeling? The enormity of this situation is overwhelming. There is comfort in knowing that we are not alone. Ya know? Like, you can call someone on the other side of the world and they get it.

I have not been at work since 3/14. The US closed 3/17.  I need to go back to work. I need to be contributing to society!  This is such an uneasy reality for me because I work with the public. I do makeup. I cannot work from home. I don't have that luxury. So, when everyone is being productive, working from home, scheduling meetings or selling online to clients, being essentials, etc... I sit home. I sit here and hope that I get certified for unemployment so that I can pay my bills. I don't want to hear your stories about "staying home". I don't have that fucking luxury. Want to know my favorite, kick me while I am down, part? I don't qualify for a stimulus check, either! There's that awesome perk!

When I see protests happening from hardworking, "non essential" (who gets to determine this shit!) Americans, my heart fills with joy! We need to open back up!  PERIOD. You don't want to go out? Stay home. You're sick? Stay home. No one is forcing YOU to do anything, like the government is FORCING US TO DO THIS!

I know it has been a good minute since most of us have read the Constitution but maybe we should do a quick refresher. Our rights are being stripped away and at rapid speeds! This is tyranny. I don't care what you say, this is TYRANNY! You cannot lockdown Americans because of a virus that we KNOW NOTHING ABOUT! Every day there is a different rule. It is airborne, it isn't. It lives on the surface for days... no it doesn't. FUCK YOU. I have a job and I need to work!  This is depressing and it is causing good people to lose everything! Mom and Pop shops will be forced to close their doors after this, if we do not open soon.  Everyone ordering from Grubhub, Postmates, Doordash and UberEats, should be ordering from small joints to keep the lights on. Go take a ride, get some curbside and help some privately owned places.

Back to the protests and the events leading to them. Michigan is not allowing people to buy seed. Why? I don't really understand. You have people out there on social media, defending this!  Who are you to determine when someone wants to plant their seeds? We don't have the right to tell someone what to do. Last I checked, these people are public servants and work FOR US. Start holding these people, who are so drunk on power, accountable for their shit!  This is not right.

How did we all just shuffle into our homes and lay down for them? You see how fast they did that? Yeah, they know now they can just put us all on house arrest, decide if you're worthy of a paycheck and if you are able to take a fucking bike ride on the lakefront! We allowed this. We will now allow them to tell us to wear a mask, wear gloves, not hug our families, stay away from each other, no human contact, no parties, no gatherings. You can just sit here and honestly say, this is no big deal? Brush up on your history then. We witnessed socialism first hand and if that sits well in your heart, you are ridiculous.

I try to not make things political and a situation like this really shouldn't be but, how can you even look at a Democrat now after seeing how they pushed back these checks for people? Feinstein wants to send aid (3 billion or something outrageous) to Iran and wouldn't sign off on Americans getting a stimulus check! All of these leftist whackos are insane. They would rather give money to everyone else and not their own.

Do you know that these cities get federal funding for every Covid case?

Do you honestly believe that this was just some guy who ate a filthy bat in some wet market? Call me a conspiracy theorist, you wouldn't be the first nor the last, but a month prior to the outbreak in China, we witnessed a historic event in Hong Kong. They were filling the streets trying to overthrow their communist government. They couldn't control their people and it was growing every day. How about the wave of Yellow Vest protests? European cities out numbering the police and military. The world had enough of the bullshit lies!  Then we have the new trade deals. Trump held them over a barrel and China wasn't having it. Look into Agenda 21. Gates, trying to depopulate. Who is this guy and why does this computer fucking geek have a say in ANYTHING? Him, that reptilian Zuckerberg and Madonna now are the experts on anything? We are living in bizarro world. Gaga's old lady is now some rep for the UN? The director of WHO,  Dr. Tedros which you should really read up on, he has quite the history with EPRDF (Ethiopian People's Revolutionary Democratic Front).

I don't know. There are a lot of bad people out there and they are blood thirsty for power. We have turned these celebrities, athletes and politicians into GODS. They're blood sucking nobodies! After this, wake up!  We don't need them.

I would like to believe that something good will come from this. Simplicity, Family values.  Maybe bring back some humility and respect. Stop over sexualizing everything, INCLUDING CHILDREN, quit shoving shit in our faces. There is no reason for children to see Cardi B's asshole everywhere.  Let's bring back some good, old fashion civility.

Now, I respect the SIP order. I don't really go in public, I don't go visiting with friends and shit... I do socially distance with my parents though. You will never keep me away from them. EVER.  I wear a mask, don't touch them, stay 6ft away but I do go there. I will protect them from whatever this shit is but I will not, not see them.

This is causing depression and severe anxiety in people. I understand everything you are feeling. I had to get a prescription antihistamine (I don't do antidepressants or anti anxiety) to help relax me. I will smoke weed, lay in bed and watch some Friends, Seinfeld and The Office reruns, just to avoid the media. I think everyone should turn off the news and Facebook and retire to their bubbles.  Nothing good comes from the media. If you knew the history of Tell A Vision PROGRAMMING, you would agree. Go for a walk, a drive, a bike ride, a swim... just do something but watch tv and/or be glued to your phone. Read a book!  I have tons to recommend.

Be well. I have rambled on for a longtime here.

As always

Your friend,

Jen

While I make Sunday Sauce, on a Tuesday...

Alright, so it has been a bit since I last posted, did ya miss me?  I just have a hard time being "inspired" by anything in the world lately. How can you be? It is a constant flood of negative information. It is 1/28/2020 and in the news this past week was CORONAVIRUS, Kobe Bryant and if you dig deep enough, the rest of the people that were killed and a handful of cops shot up. Sounds like good news being spread all around.

Do you ever wonder why people are depressed? Or why there are 1000 ads for antidepressants
on TV? Well, watch the news and see if you feel like being a jet-setter, productive or even want to engaged with a single soul. They want you to be on meds. Step away from the idiot box for a month or so, go for a walk and lift up them spirits!  My gf said it perfectly: people can barely trust their significant other, but will trust the media. It is true. You are allowing them to get deep into that cerebellum, plant a seed of despair and you run with it. A 24 hour loop of negative images and information will turn you into a shell of a human.

I gave up TV a long time ago. I will watch a movie here and there, throw on a rerun of Seinfeld or King of Queens but it gets about 2 hours of my time A WEEK! I don't read MSM news outlets, I don't even read a magazine. I don't care if JLO was snubbed for an Oscar. Which is my segue into this...

Why do you care about these people? Really, ask yourself that question. "Do you really CARE about it?" No, it does not affect you in any way. I get that it is a human emotion to feel bad for Kobe's family, but does it "break your heart"? On Saturday, did he even cross your mind at any point of the day? No. IT DOESN'T AFFECT YOU. Stop giving your energy to things that don't matter in real life. So, they died and it is a tragedy. What about the other people? The other families that have been torn apart? Why don't they matter just as much? How about a fireman that falls through a roof of a burning building? Doesn't he deserve to be honored by the media? Did you know that on the same day Kobe died, a missile was launched at another US Embassy? Or how about on Monday a military aircraft crashed in Afghanistan? Probably not. How about the 9 people shot, 2 fatally (an infant mind you) in Chicago? But, KOBE!

All you see online is people fighting. Now, I am all about trolling and talking shit, it is my favorite pastime but I do it for comic relief and to test out my insult skills. Keep my reflexes up to snuff. There is real hate out there and guess who started it? The media. They don't want us to love each other!  They want us to fight and divide. If you are letting them win, you have the mental capacity of a wedge of cheese. If you cannot see what is really happening out there, you should really, REALLY pay attention.

NBC now says they considering not allowing Trump's commercials to be aired on their networks. Yes, you read that correctly. You get suspended/banned from Twitter, FB, Instagram and whatever other degenerate social media platform out there, if you don't agree with what the say. Want proof? The other day my cousin tagged me in a Trump post on Instagram, I never received a notification. You go on Twitter and engaged with someone who doesn't agree with you? You get a suspended
account. I was just in both Twitter and FB jail for calling someone out on their HATE SPEECH but I am the one who was silenced. They are blatantly taking away our free speech!  You don't get to silence me because I don't agree with you!

You can hate me all you like for my views. I give a shit. You are the turnip, not me. I don't care where someone stands, it is THEIR RIGHT. I respect that. Learn to respect mine. We won't even be able to have adult discussions soon. They are taking away our FREEDOM OF SPEECH. They are trying to rip apart our Constitution to fit their narrative, to suit their needs. Wake up already!

It is all a distraction from what is really happening. Every BREAKING NEWS is a fucking distraction. Start doing some research, people. These networks are all owned by the same people, with the same end result in mind... to control you!

As always,

Jen

A one way ticket to life...

So many of you know that I recently traveled to Europe; London and Paris, 10 days,  5 of which I worked. I have been back since 7/3 and I haven't been able to shake the feeling of regret. I regret not going sooner, I regret being complacent, I regret this life that we live here. I need to get out of this place and really start to live.

My girlfriend Julie told me "Europe changes you" and I didn't believe the weight of that statement until I arrived in Paris. I cried when I stepped off the train and my eyes were met by the most beautiful scene I could ever imagine. I was changed. It was like a dream and I couldn't believe I was in it. Paris to me is like Mecca. Fashion, art, food, drinks, cigarettes and history. Everything I love in life, all wrapped up in a walkers paradise and topped with a tasty wine bow. I knew I wouldn't come home the same. I ate, drank, shopped and looked at Impressionist Art that I didn't even feel worthy of being in its presence! The trip was very emotional for me. Am I being dramatic? London didn't have the same affect on me but it was still surreal to be there. Ive been told that if you love Boston, you will love London. I am here to stop that claim because I love Boston and I did not love London. Maybe because I worked but it just felt familiar to me and I hate that feeling. My whole life has felt familiar! I don't want to feel like that. I want to feel alive and London didn't do it for me. Plus, the food is AWFUL! Get some herbs and spices out there, will ya??? Now, in Paris you can't have a bad meal or a shitty glass of wine. This is 100% true. I wanted to eat at every cafe and drink every waking minute. Something about that damn Rosé and Chablis! Not 1 hangover either... does that not sound like paradise?

I have always been hell-bent on living by the ocean and pretty much planned our retirement on that dream alone. I can tell you right now, I NEED to live in Paris. Well, until I get over to Italy and that might change but Paris is where I want to exist forever. It could never become old to me. It is romantic! Listen, how can you not love to eat good food forever? To sit outside and people watch, with a cold glass of tasty wine and smoke cigarettes? My favorite pastime is shooting the shit, smoking and drinking. It is truly my perfect place in the world.

Now fast forward to present day: the daily grind, 8.5 hour shifts, breaking my back to do what?!? Now, I love, LOVE my job and I am rewarded everyday just making women feel their best but I am depressed! I am full of regret!  I want to WORK TO LIVE not LIVE TO WORK! Even if I went to part time hours, I would still feel this way. I don't want to pick up my belongings, get a separation and go on some soul searching quest but I kind of do!  I want to find meaning in this life. I love Tony and would love to just tell him "quit your fucking job and let's LIVE!!!!!" but I have the head full of dreams, not him. I am the Aquarius, insensible and erratic. A dreamer. God bless him for dealing with me for these 15 years because I make myself nuts, I can't imagine what I do to him. I have to figure this shit out.

Next year I am going to do Italy, take my mom with me and who knows... maybe we will both stay there and never come home. I'll get a little job bartending in some hole in the wall, meet new friends, start a whole new life there and just say "fuck it man, it's my time to be happier" or maybe I will come home, set us up for retirement there and have Tony just trust me to better our back 9 in life. Either way, I WILL LIVE IN EUROPE. You can take that shit to the bank!

If you haven't been, go. Don't let the rumors of Paris being unpleasant decide that fate. They were nothing but gracious to a couple of American broads. If you go, go to the 18th arrondissement, see Sacré-Cœur, look at the city below and roam around. It was in that moment and in that place that I saw my future. I had a funny moment there where these street artists were doing portraits of people and I made the "yikes" face to a girl getting hers done and she looked horrified! I laughed and laughed about it. True asshole american style but I loved it.

Alright, time to get ready for work. Until next time!

Je t'aime tous et toujours!

Your friend,

Jen aka future American Girl in Paris

I See You

I know you are in need. I know you need help. I know that you need a helping hand to pick you up, again. But I need to HELP me for a minute.

Recently my thyroid was causing mad chaos in my life. 'Stroke Risk' chaos. I am trying to avoid stressors in order to feel good. I am aware that a friend is in need. Not like putting them on the back burner is a life or death situation but I know they need help. Probably financially and shit but I can't do it now. The past few years have been rough for many of us. Losing people, health, stress, work. I've neglected my warning signs and pushed through to help people. I can't do it now. I know my triggers, like the hillbilly neighbor revving up his motorcycle at 8am for 15 fucking minutes yesterday nearly broke my hand throwing a water jug out the door. I need to move and since my husband drags his feet through life, I need to just do it. With or without him? I'm moving. End. Of. Story. But not before I slap the taste out of this scumbags mouth next door. This is a stressor. I feel like I am full of rage lately and I can't shake it. I want to grab my friend, shake her and say "SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT AND GET YOUR LIFE BACK!!!!!" That's that. Always has a plan and no follow through. All day long this broad is in the back of my mind causing me low levels of anxiety. I can't have it. What do I do?!?!

Next, I am heading to London. Solo. Is this not a full blown panic attack waiting to happen or what??? HA! I bounce from so excited to wtf am I going to do at night by myself???? Like how lame!  I can't go to pubs alone. I know my level of comfort and that isn't even on the board. I can eat dinner alone every damn day, I actually prefer to. I get very excited thinking about buying ridiculously expensive stuff and then I get anxious that "I am a 2 hr train ride to Paris, how can I not take advantage of that!" but that's a longtime to be alone in Europe. I am looking at 8-10 days 5 of which I will be working.  I will be so bored. I have to extend a few days and really take in the sights, right?

Speaking of dead weight... how do people stand around and talk all day with zero repercussions at work?

Any who, I was just trying to fill in anything going on but man, I have been pretty blah lately. Plus I have these insanely long nails that I need to cut down TAH DAY.

This was boring. oh well. Enjoy!

Love you all and always!

Your friend,

Jen

40 is the new I don't give a shit.

When I think back to my 20's, I don't know how to describe my emotions about it. I don't miss it, that's for sure. I made a lot of mistakes in my 20's that I don't necessarily regret, but I kind of do.  I didn't even like my 20's. Shit, I don't think I liked my 30's much either. In your 20's you don't know anything. Sorry kids, you don't. In your 30's you make plans for the future; kids, homes, careers. 30's you are tested on life's limits. You lose people and your mind. I do believe at 30 you discover who you are and what you will tolerate in life. That was a break-through in that decade for me, personally. I always had a no nonsense, easy breezy, attitude. I was always told at 40 you just don't care about offending people, about their feelings and you are the most important person in your life. I am here to tell you, it is true. I thought I didn't care before? Pffffft.

I am 41 and proud. This comes with a whole other list of shit to worry about. Health, retirement, exhaustion just to name a few. You think I care if someone doesn't like me? HA! I am trying to buy a summer home in Florida, for Christ sake! I am too busy trying to renovate our house and prepare for retirement than give a rats ass about hurting someones little feelers. If you don't sign my paycheck, then I don't have time to care about what's bothering you. This is the blessing at the 40 mark.  Around the 32nd year of my existence, an older gentleman told me "at the end of the day, it's all bullshit anyway" and that resonated with me. What pisses you off this morning, will not matter tonight. What makes you sad tomorrow, won't matter by the time you wake up on Friday. You chose to "get over it". That carried me through my 30's and now into my 40's. The only things that matter to me are: family, friends, work and feeling good. I feed my soul everyday with laughter. The famous Hunter S. Thompson quote about life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely, yada yada yada ... is somewhat true. I just don't want to arrive totally worn out and way too early. After losing a good handful of friends in my 30's, I lived it up. I really took that quote literally and now, I am ok with arriving with meh, maybe a run in my nylons. I don't need to indulge. I'm good for the most part.

I won't be able to share my life stories with kids and grandkids so that kinda bums me out but I will relish in them for years to come. I have a lot of fun. I have loved and lost. I have such delicious stories that when I think about them, my heart smiles. Everything I have done in my past was just so unconventional and ass backwards. Just the way I lost my virginity was ridiculous (sorry ma) but I love it. I love what I have been through because I am who I am in spite of it. I've been cheated on, lied to, made a fool of, I've been fired, I've been kicked out of school, I've been broke and I have had enough jobs that I have lost count. But here I am: successful, married, in love with life and I am A-OK.

I think I felt the need to write this one on the heels of learning of a recent suicide of someone that I knew. We all go through tough times. I think the first half of my marriage was spent in an untreated depression regarding the fact that I am unable to have kids. It was/is a depressing fact but after 13 years of living with that truth, I have learned to count my blessings. I couldn't imagine having to raise a kid in this world. Hearing that I would never have kids, felt like a death sentence. It made me feel like less of a woman. There is a bit of truth I rarely say. Everyone is dealing with something. I am regretful that the last time I saw this guy, I was unforgivably mean, but in my defense he wasn't nice to me, either or ever. But I am sorry. I am sorry that your life was unbearable. I am sorry that your sadness came through in anger. You have always had a chip on your shoulder and now this explains it. I hope you are at peace. I hope you are at home with your parents, finally. You were a handsome guy and I am just sorry that this world was too much for you to take.

So the moral of the story is, 40 is pretty great! I like it. Just waiting patiently for that midlife crisis to kick in and really see where this shit takes me! Oh yea, and be kind. Well, be kind enough but never let someone shit all over you.

Love you all and always!

Your OLD friend,

Jen